Karen's:))

I had a great plan for today... Not get out of bed and let my fantastic depression get the best of me, BUT I came to think about the fact that it's my mothers birthday so I can't do that either. But my depression grows by the minute, at least it feels that way. I am used to talk to Halil 3-4-5 hours every day, now I haven't seen him since last Monday! One week!  And I don't have any money either so I can't buy credit for my phone.. But I asked Ida to put credit in instead of stressing with the bank about half of the electrik money so I hope she gets to do that... Cause I am litterally going insane. I can say with all my heart and soul that I hate long distance relationships.  I am looking big time forward to when I can stay there MANY months, like... 10. But for me to do that, it will be no Turkey this summer, work work work. Got to sacrifice something to get something, it's how it works.

But I'm allright, really.. I just feel very empty without Halil. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about a boy. I think maybe I was 16 and it was in one of mine and Alex' break up's. I was together with Hasan for a long time, but honestly it never felt like this. I never felt an intense need to see him, I could go weeks without wanting to call him, it was no problem for me to not see him for 3-4 months.. But Halil, I am thinking about him every second and dreaming about him in the night, I miss him every time we close webcam and I get real live butterflies in my stomach when I hear his voice. I am NERVOUS to call and I dont even know why.  I never thought the day would come where I actually would get over Hasan, and I had totally forgotten how it feels to be IN LOVE. Really in love, with the lack of sleep, no appetite cause the butterflies are racing in my stomach. I smile when I think of him, actually I do think about him 95% of my time awake, I am counting DAYS!  I haven't counted days since 2008! I feel I need to see him every day, and now that I don't I get sad... I am absolutely totally lost in that boy and it feels so great.  So when I can be in his arms again, when my lips touch his, when I can look into the most beautiful brown eyes in the world and say I love you for the first time face to face, I will be happy. 

But untill then, depression, anti depressive and Pepsi Max are my best friends...  It will be better this week I think, I actually have PLANS.. 3 of the days!  Thats about as much as I had ever since I came home from Turkey. I think maybe my mom is a little happy about that since I am moping around at home all day. Originally I haven't turned the day again but I just can't find the sleep, I can sit up like 30-40 hours before I sleep a couple of hours and then same shit again. 

I really NEEEEEEEEEEEEED to talk to my boyfriend. So I pray to God Ida can fix it. It's easier too, then we don't need to stress with the banks numbers.... And then I can talk to my boyfriend, finally...  Ida aKa  Rakoon face :D