Goodbye

Now he is no longer here.
I just came home from the airport, and my feelings cannot even be described in words. The last day has been amazing and terrible at the same time. Amazing because of how he took care of me, terrible because of how I knew that it would soon end. I tried my best to keep my tears, but it was so hard, and I broke several times. He did to, a little. He is stronger than me, he tried to make me smile, as the wonderful person he is.

I hated packing his bag, it was as terrible as all other things about him leaving. Just pack away his life here, pack HIM away from this apartment. He does not have many things, but still my home seems so EMPTY without them. Even without his t-shirts it feels like this home is totally empty. And most of all, without him. Without him it is like there is nothing here. I could come home to an apartment without furniture, tv, bed.. And it would feel less empty than coming home to an apartment without Halil.

Time went so fast, faster than time is suppose to go. And I felt like something ripped in my heart for every second that passed. In the end, time was there to go to the airport. My dad came to pick us up. I didnt say so much in the car cause I was writing him a letter I wanted him to read after I left. About my feelings for him, stuff like that.

He checked in, and then he had to go through the security control, which I was not allowed into. I could not wait as long as I had wanted, because my dad was tired and wanted to go home. Our goodbye was TERRIBLE! I wanted to hold him forever, to never let him go.

When we came out from the airport, I just broke down, I could not breathe, I could not speak, I just cried and cried and it hurt so bad that it felt like all of me was going to explode. It was like a nightmare I just wanted to wake up from. The car ride home was numb, really. I was talking with my dad, but I dont really remember what we talked about. It is still like a bad dream. With one up-side, Halil called before the plane left, and I got a last "I love you" before he went to Turkey.

The worst part of this was to come home. My dad dropped me off at the top of the hill. And for each step I took, my stomach cramped up more and more. Opening the door, and not seeing him there, that feeling can only be understood by those who have been in that situation. I am now sitting with his t-shirt in front of me, it smells like him and it makes me feel a little better. But I miss him so much. I will miss everything, even the things that normally irritates me, like "shall we clean home?"  "we" means ME!  And I will miss his tired face with one word;  "Breakfast?"
I will miss having him by my side at night, even though he have a tendency of almost kicking me out of bed in his sleep.
I will miss how he brushes my hair with his fingers.
I will miss just sitting here with him, even when we are not saying anything, even when we are on each our laptop doing different things. Cause then he is HERE, he is WITH ME, I have him CLOSE to me, not many countries apart!
And who will call me Karoş  now? Who will I cook for? Who will I kiss at night? Who will hold me when I need a hug?
No one, cause he is not here.

Now we are going from a normal relationship to a long distance one. It's not normal to have it in that order! I am not used to being alone now. After 9 months this is the closest thing to torture I have ever experienced. Even the smallest things that people take for granted, like being able to TOUCH, or TALK. He is not like others I have met in Turkey. We can sit and have hours long conversations about REAL things, politicts, nationality, religion, love, languages.. Anything.  And now,I am all alone.

Ok, so this is a very whiny post, but I just feel like shit right now. And the worst part for me is the fact that I have NO IDEA about when we will meet again. I dont know when we can apply for holiday visa again, how long he needs to stay in Turkey etc- but I do know that if he has to stay long, I am going there. I CAN NOT be long without him. It's like losing my heart, it feels like that at least.

He is the best fiancèe in this world, and I love him so much. ANd I mean it, this home is now totally empty without him.

Ez te hezdikim jiyanamin.